Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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