my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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