i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
