I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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