I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
