there's paper in my vomit.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
