I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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