I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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