i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
