2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
