You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
