When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
