you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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