i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
