living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
