Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
