Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
