i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
