I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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