Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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