i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
