do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
