I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
