i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
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I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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