I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
