got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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