i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
