I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
