I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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