CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
