I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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