If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I wish i was in the wii world.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
