dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize