is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
