walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
