Don't make out with my wife yet
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
