I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
40s are totally the cure
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
