$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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