Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
