Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
