Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
