I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
