I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
