happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
