Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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