I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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