once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
