My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
