1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
