I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
