I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
