I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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