the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
