We named our party play list daddy issues
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
