I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
