I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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